In my last entry, I introduced the concept of a solid relationship foundation and how many relationships start out on a rocky footing without realizing it. You can read about it here, if you’d like. If you’re one who has a rocky foundation, know factually that you have the ability to change this with conscious effort. Today, I share a key ingredient to doing just that.
First, you must know that you are a change agent ~ a catalyst for change. Consider this premise: When you show up differently ~ when you act and react differently to your partner and life’s happenings, then the people around you will act and react differently to you. Your circumstances will change because you’ll be doing things differently, and thus get different results.
With this said, I have to also state that this doesn’t guarantee that your partner will change in the way you want, or even at all. Your partner may be in complete resistance to changing, in which case nothing you say or do will make a difference. Numerous reasons for this, and all are outside the scope of this entry. Notwithstanding, his reaction gives you valuable data with regard to the changes that you feel are important. Understanding his perspective is exactly what you need to know in order to hone your strategy of what needs to be done.
What’s worth emphasizing is that many partners will change. In fact, many want to, because underneath all the arguing and tension, they want the same things as you do – order, harmony, and intimacy. What you need to know more than anything, in order to move forward, is that YOU PERSONALLY HAVE the POWER OF INFLUENCE! A happier, more harmonious reality is in your hands. That’s the first thing blocking you from achieving it – embodiment of the knowing that you influence your environment. You’ve influenced how it got to this moment ~ this situation ~ and you can influence it to go in a completely different direction if you so choose.
If you knew you had the power to effect change at home, despite your partner’s actions (or inaction), you’d just do it. You haven’t because you keep hoping and expecting your partner to do what he says. Or better yet, that you two would agree on exactly what to do and how, and then would work on it together. It’s in one of these two areas where most couples get stuck.
What you’ve been doing hasn’t worked, so you’re likely doubting that it’s even possible. You obviously have a tinge of hope or you wouldn’t be here. However, it’s just as likely that you’re here to learn how to get your partner to change (instead of you). That’s the number one question I’m asked – whether their partner (or the situation) will change. Alas, that’s not what I teach. Trying to change others only leads to frustration, resentment, and more of the same. Um, no. That’s a no-go for me. Instead, I help you determine what you have direct control over, and help you find the strength and courage to do it, so you can stop wasting time on things you can’t control (like your partner). I empower you to change first. No more waiting for your partner, nor being endlessly frustrated that he isn’t on the same page as you. Thus, you claim your serenity.
This doesn’t mean that you’re ditching the “team” you’ve been trying to establish with him. Building a TEAM℠ is a cornerstone of what I teach and advocate. I know that most couples have the desire to work together as a team. You want this, too, which is why you’re here. The problem comes in when you can’t agree on either the what or the how, which keeps you in a never-ending loop of quarreling and re-experiencing the tough challenges, instead of finding a resolution.
What can you do about it? You change first. Just do it. Stop arguing. Stop waiting. Stop waiting for him to finally come aboard to doing things your way.
Again, this is not negating or circumventing a “TEAM environment”. If you two are already working together, then great! Then, all you need is the right solution to do together, and you’re on the fast track to getting your desired results. 🙂
However, if you’re endlessly arguing and at an impasse as to what to do or how, and you’re simply not able to compromise, then you personally need to take responsibility for your own sanity. This is when you need to shift gears into figuring out what you personally have direct control over. You need to get clear with yourself about what you need in order to find inner peace and happiness. What do you desire in your heart of hearts? Figuring this out is your first action step. Then proceed from there.
ALL ROADS START WITH YOU! Get clear within yourself about your innermost desires, and KNOW you have what it takes to make the necessary changes, influence your environment, and experience more harmony, happiness, and emotional fulfillment.
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