Is there somebody in your life who doesn’t have her shit together? Or perhaps is doing well in most areas, but can’t seem to get it together in one key area? As an onlooker, you have a pretty clear idea what she should do to “fix” the problem. Perhaps it’s so clear to you that you can’t understand why she hasn’t done it. Surely, she must not know about said solution. Worse yet, she does know, but still isn’t doing it.
This is prevalent! So prevalent that I’d venture to say that every single one of us has been on one or both sides of this coin. I know I sure have, as have many of my clients, whether about spouses, children, elderly parents, or in-laws.
The complaint usually starts, “If only…”
“If only he’d eat right!”
“If only he’d just tell me [the truth / communicate].”
“If only she got a job.”
“If only he’d stop playing video games so much.”
“If only she was more social.”
“If only she’d pray.”
“If only he didn’t spend so much (would budget).”
The common element is that the solution seems so easy. ‘Everybody else does it,’ you think. If it’s not a problem for the millions of others who do it, there must be something wrong with her (or him).
I could make a case for how the person is not the “only one” out of millions who is struggling with doing (or not doing) the thing. However, that’s not my purpose here. Instead, my intention is to explain what’s going on internally that is tripping her up ~ ie. the underlying cause.
I believe that if you know what’s really at the crux of the problem, it might ease your frustration with that person. In my experience, deeper understanding almost always leads to:
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- more compassion and less arguing
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- a stronger bond rather than weaker
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- a desire to be more supportive, not less
Bottom line: Understanding somebody on a deeper level improves your relationship with that person. That’s what I’m all about ~ my primary mission as a coach and Relationship Healer.
So, ‘What are the underlying reasons someone isn’t doing the one thing ~ the glaringly obvious solution ~ that’ll fix the problem completely?’
Here are 10 reasons:
[It’s probably not an exhaustive list, but I believe it’ll cover most people and situations. If you think of another, tell me (and future readers) in the comments.
As a side note, please know that it’s not a gender thing. I choose a gender in my writing simply for the ease of writing/reading it. It’s also why I switch genders.]
1) He doesn’t believe it would really help.
Even if he said it would or said he’d “try it”. Oftentimes, people respond in the moment based on their initial thoughts ~ whatever is playing most prominently in their mind. Then later, after they think more about it, they have new realizations that change their mind.
Other times, the person will tell you upfront that it won’t help.
Still other times, they know it won’t help from the get-go, but won’t tell you at all because they don’t want to hurt your feelings (or are afraid of your reaction).
2) She thinks you’re flat-out wrong about the problem.
In some ways, this could fall under the 1st reason, but there’s a subtle difference. Reason #1 implied disagreement on the solution, whereas this reason refers to the problem. For somebody to take your advice, he/she would need to agree with your assessment of both the problem and solution. If your perspective on either of those is not aligned to hers, she’s not likely to listen to much of what you’re saying. Even if you’re saying something brilliant. Instead, it’ll probably go in one ear and out the other.
3) She does believe it would help, but there’s an obstacle in the way.
Limited time, money, or both are fairly common obstacles. If your advice requires either of these, but there’s a perceived limitation of them, it’s not likely your advice will be taken.
Other obstacles that can present a problem can be intermediary steps that need to be done first which you haven’t considered (or didn’t know).
Lots of people get stuck here. Removing obstacles is rarely easy. Otherwise, the person would’ve already done it. While many advice-givers want to immediately solve this conundrum, I don’t recommend it. The reason being that these type of obstacles typically contain smaller obstacles inside them or are connected to other challenge areas that need to be addressed. If you were to look at a pictorial of them, it’d look like a spider web. That’s why the conversation around resolving the obstacle (and them not taking your advice) typically doesn’t go well. You think you’re helping, but then are surprised by their reaction (or plethora of “excuses”) and the quick downward spiral of emotions.
If there’s an urgency around solving the problem AND they also truly believe that it’ll help in a tangible way, then they will try to resolve the block in order to move forward. Depending on your relationship with them, they may or may not update you on their progress.
4) The person thinks it’ll help, but only in a small way.
If he thinks doing it will not make a big impact (in spite of how strongly YOU are convinced it will), then it’s a low priority. Low priority items seldom make it to the top of the list, yet alone done. There’s too many things to do and new things popping up for these things to get addressed.
Plus, there may be a couple other items on this list that are simultaneously impacting his reason for not pursuing your solution.
5) It’s too inconvenient (or not important enough).
People don’t like to alter their life or routine in a big way. They just don’t. So unless it’s something that’s easy to fit into their schedule and implement, they probably won’t do it.
Another way to look at this is that it’s not important enough to them. As I said in #3, if someone has urgency around solving the problem and is also convinced of the ‘perfect’ solution, then they’ll feel motivated to make it work. They may even move mountains to try it. But also, they need to be convinced that there’s not an easier alternative.
6) It doesn’t feel right.
Sometimes people are hesitant to do a thing, but aren’t sure why. They can’t quite put their finger on why they’re resisting. Maybe it’s their intuition. Maybe it’s psychological. Either way, they’re not moved to action.
This is not all people, but many. More people operate by gut instinct than you might think:
~ if their body consciousness contracts
~ if they don’t get excited (in their body)
~ if they don’t feel a ‘yes’ in their being
Even if subconscious, this person doesn’t feel it’s the best option for him, and he’s not going to do the thing you think is best for him.
7) She’s Confused about some aspect of it or doesn’t know how to do it.
This affects the analytical type more than others. [I’m raising my hand on this one, as not knowing the how of an action step has tripped me up more times than I care to admit.] Overthinking is not uncommon with these folks, although I will say it’s sometimes only the perception of others interacting with them.
Any one of the following can cause someone to get stuck:
~ if any aspect of the process is confusing
~ if it requires multiple steps, and they don’t know which comes first
~ if one or more steps is not simple to figure out
~ or maybe even what your suggestion is
It can be very frustrating to the advice-giver who finds it incredibly easy, especially if he’s done it himself many times. It requires a lot of patience and compassion on the part of both people when communicating, because frustrations and intense emotions are usually running high.
8) She/he isn’t ready yet.
This one is tough to recognize because it’s subtle and could look like another cause on this list. This essence of it is this: It is both a mental and emotional process to “feel ready” to make a change, especially if it’s big (like tied to a chronic health condition, a significant relationship, life purpose/direction, or job/career).
If the person is self-aware and is someone who typically works on self-improvement, then she/he may outright tell you she’s not ready. That is, if she thinks you’ll understand.
Most often this manifests as procrastination. Examples include doing busy work (that doesn’t move the needle much, if at all), allowing distractions to grab your attention, excess scrolling on social media, or doing nothing (which looks like stagnation or being stuck).
9) Psychological Block
In my view, as someone who has an Associates Degree and Bachelors’ minor in Psychology, everything has a psychological component. In this regard, all 8 reasons above can be considered psychological.
However, a psychological block is rooted in the subconscious; and therefore not easy to recognize, yet alone overcome. It often manifests as a person giving many different “reasons” that sound like excuses to the people around them. If this sounds like part of the description of #’s 3, 6, or above, that’s because there’s overlap among them all. Although all psychological blocks will look like either obstacles to remove/solve or somebody procrastinating, not all obstacles or procrastination is caused by a subconscious block.
What makes this even more complicated to identify is the very nature of it being subconscious (ie. not in one’s conscious awareness). As such, most people operating with psychological blocks are completely unaware of their existence.
10) past trauma
Trauma is our response to a situation that feels like a crisis. It can be a sudden shock to our system (Shock Trauma), such as the case with rape, domestic violence, war combat, or similar; Or it can be a long-term learned response to living in a dysfunctional environment for an extended period of time (Complex Trauma). Most people erroneously only think of trauma in the former context (Trauma with a ‘Big T’) vs. the latter (trauma with a ‘small t’).
In actuality, trauma is significantly more prevalent than we think; But, it’s hidden, undiagnosed, and untreated in most of the population. I couldn’t find a statistic to report, but this viewpoint is corroborated by multiple trauma experts, including Dr. Gabor Maté.
Trauma is a growing area of study for me; Therefore, at present, my knowledge base is limited. However, for the purpose of this article, it’s sufficient to leave you with the one piece of data that I’m 100% sure about and is undisputed by trauma/mental health experts: Past trauma can affect a person’s ability to make progress in big or subtle ways. The seed I’d like to plant with you is related to Complex Trauma. When thinking of Trauma, please include Complex Trauma and hidden/buried/undiagnosed trauma as well. All are potential contributing factors to consider.
To sum-up and close-out, don’t take it personally if somebody doesn’t take your advice. Equally valid, it also doesn’t mean the person is stupid, lazy, unmotivated, or any other negative opinion entering your mind. I believe your assessment makes sense and that it looks exactly as you say, on the surface anyway. On some level, your explanation for the predicament is likely a contributing factor. So there’s no reason to completely discount or throw-out everything you observed and interpreted. I’m simply suggesting you consider that there’s other contributing factors that may be hidden in plain sight or under the surface.
Again, the reason I’m proclaiming this in my public voice on my blog is because I know the lack of understanding this is affecting many people’s relationships. It’s causing a lot of frustrations, anger, resentments, disdain, and even contempt. That leads to silent tension, loud (or explosive) arguments, or outright dissolution of relationships. My aim is to foster more harmonious relationships and to facilitate healing. That’s what I’m about and is the reason I’m sharing this.
I welcome your thoughts and feedback in the comments, especially if you have anything to add to the above list. I’d also love to hear about your personal experiences, positive or negative, with this type of situation. Both myself and future readers would then be able to learn and grow as a result of you sharing.
Blessings,
Turn Conflict into Connection
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