One of the secrets to having a happy, long-lasting relationship is to build it on a solid foundation. The way it begins sets the precedence of how it will flow, or not. It sets the themes that will play out, good or bad, until they reach an organic conclusion or you consciously change the pattern.
A permanent vibration is created in that very first impression. It will always be present, under the surface of all interactions and experiences, even if you’re not consciously aware of it. It’s based on the combined dynamic of the two of you rather than simply your individual emotions alone. Each couple elicits a vibration unique to that relationship. Even if aspects of it reflect a previous relationship, the dynamic vibration you have with your current partner will be unique. That is to say that you’re each sparking new aspects of the other that’s never been accessed before. Remnants of previous relationships or experiences will also be brewing under the surface, especially any unhealed wounds, which will come up unexpectedly and often sneakily.
Let’s dive into this, so to make it more concrete for you. Think back to the beginning of your current relationship. How did it start?
-
- Was it a whirlwind romance that didn’t end, and so morphed into something deeper and long-term?
-
- Were you long-time friends first, and one day you mutually realized you both had deeper feelings?
-
- Did one of you have deeper feelings than the other, and then pushed the issue of commitment until it happened?
-
- Did it happen organically over time, starting with innocent flirting, talking, a date, a 2nd and subsequent dates until it gradually morphed into deeper feelings, a commitment, and moving-in together?
-
- Did one of you cheat on a previous partner to be with each other?
-
- Did it start as a one-night-stand?
Each of these scenarios ignites a particular set of emotions and thoughts, thus setting the emotional pattern as a memory in your body. If you’ve had similar experiences in the past, the emotional impression created is even stronger.
In addition, each comes with a different set of expectations. What you expect from a friend-turned-into-lover is different from a lover-turned-into-friend. The former example may lack passion, but will make up for it in loyalty and dedication. The latter may have an excess of passion, but you’ll have to exert effort to develop mutual trust, shared experiences, and a true partnership. If one of you pushed the idea of commitment onto the other, then a feeling of uncertainty may linger under the surface. This goes for both of you. The one who pushed the idea may always have a tinge of doubt about his/her partner’s true feelings and intentions. Similarly, the one who gave in because she/he was pushed may develop resentment or a what-if mindset. If your relationship started due to infidelity of another, trust (or lack thereof) will likely become a recurring theme, which may show up in everything to financial woes, outside friendships, hobbies, and work interests. These are obviously just a few examples of a myriad of possibilities, just to give you a base understanding.
All of them have both positive and negative aspects to consider. None of them are indelibly flawed to the point that the negatives can’t be overcome. However, some scenarios obviously have way more positives, whereas others have way more negatives. That’s what you need to know.
Since you’re here, that means you’ve had some negative relationship experiences and are looking to create something better for yourself in the future. As such, this concept of the primary emotional vibe within your relationship, and exploring how it began, is a key ingredient to consider.
Think back to those early days or meeting your partner and going on the first few dates. What were you feeling or thinking? What kinds of experiences did you have? What kinds of things did you talk about? Did one person do all the talking? What did you “learn” about each other during that time? Were there any situations that demonstrated integrity, true listening, an ability to clearly express one’s feelings, trust, a moral or ethical code? Or was there coercion, white lies, quick dismissal of something that was important to you, jumping straight to the sex consistently on every date, or even something that you sensed was off but couldn’t put your finger on?
It’s ok if you can’t remember details. Most people are so excited to be dating a new person that they’re not analyzing anything at all. This is normal if that’s the case for you. If there’s a particular dynamic playing out now, start there and trace it back as far as you can. It’s likely that it showed up early on, but so subtly that it went unnoticed. In the beginning, people tend to either overcompensate for their own perceived weaknesses, or hide them. Additionally, when the attraction hormones are amplified and having a heyday inside you, it’s easy to dismiss anything off-putting as a once-off. For all these reasons, I strongly suggest that people date a long time before they commit to living together.
We all want to believe that “this one” is going to be perfect. However, you’re doing yourself a disservice when you’re not able to see your relationship objectively from multiple angles.
The good news is that you’re here. That means you’re ready to start viewing relationships from a new lens. As you do, you’ll be shifting how you show up in your relationship. That alone will change the dynamic of your relationship. So even if your relationship is built on a rocky foundation, you have now started the journey of learning how to strengthen it. Hopefully, the changes that you make will inspire your partner to change too. If he/she joins you on the journey, that’s better yet.
Trackbacks/Pingbacks