Halloween brings up memories as I reflect on how my life has changed over the years. My 1st Halloween as an Acting StepMom* comes to mind. If you’re a stepmom or mom, you may relate to this experience, especially if you’ve recently formed (blended) your new step/bonus family.
*Acting StepMom is my term for a woman in the role of stepmom without the formal title. My boyfriend and I were living together, but not married. That put me in the role of stepmom to his 3 kids.
Allow me to Set the Stage.
We had just moved in together in July. This would be THE FIRST of any family event, yet alone with the kids’ mom. Although we’d been together over a full year, I had never been invited to any of the “family” things, including his eldest daughter’s high school graduation. So this would be the first time that the kids’ mom and I would be in the same place at the same time.
I had no say in any decision about logistics, candy, time, location, etc. They decided, and then my boyfriend informed me after the fact. That was pretty much always the case when it came to family stuff or the kids. With that said, I understood their decision-making process for this Halloween, and agreed that it made the most sense. We lived in a nice neighborhood with a lot of activity and community, whereas they (the kids and their mom) lived in the rural part of the city where kids don’t usually choose to trick-or-treat. For a true Halloween experience, our place was a no-brainer.
With the news that their mom would be coming, my mind went through different scenarios of what that’d look like. How would we logistically do that? Without prior experience with her, I had nothing to go off of to help me “prepare”. After some contemplation, I finally realized I’d have to figure it out as I went along.
Halloween night finally arrived. My nerves were heightened to say the least; Yet, I was optimistic overall because I’m the type of person who can roll with the punches and rise above. Also, I was quite naive in that I thought that we’d somehow become friendly (even if not immediately), just like my mom was with her first husband’s second wife.
*FACE PALM* Nowadays, I seriously laugh at myself for thinking we’d become friends. I mean, I get why it seemed natural to me. But today, I grok how rare this is.
She showed up drunk, brought alcohol with her, and walked to our local convenient store for a little more. ** Red Flag Alert!!** ‘This is not a good sign!’ my brain screamed at me. At that moment, all I knew is that wherever she was going to be, I was going to be somewhere else.
I was hoping that she’d stay at the house while I went with the youngins for trick-or-treating. I love seeing all the costumes! So much creativity goes into them, and it’s fun to see what kids come up with. All the laughter, screams, excitement! Everyone having so much fun. It’s exhilarating to do that with kids, and was something I looked forward to. On the other hand, if she went out with the kids, I figured I could pass out candy to the kiddos coming to our door, and get some enjoyment from that.
Unfortunately, none of that happened, and avoiding her proved harder than I anticipated. I think I handed out candy to only a few trick-or-treaters. Mostly, though, I tried to disappear, moving from one room to the next just so I could be out of range of her voice and over-the-top mannerisms. I recall hearing her iterate multiple times how “hard” this was for her, along with other comments that required me to bite my tongue.
I get she was nervous – obviously a lot more than me. However, the way she handled it left a lot to be desired.
The details of the night is a blur, other than feeling disappointed, sad, and left out. I’d love to share an uplifting aftermath story with my significant other or the kids, but that didn’t happen either. Nor did I have any personal breakthroughs. Instead, it informed me of the challenges I inadvertently signed up for (the fine print).
If I knew then what I know now, I would’ve found a stepmom support group. Although, to be blunt, I’m not sure how much it would’ve helped (other than helping me feel less alone). I’ve been a member of a good handful of groups as a coach. In my observation, very few members or facilitators have effectively navigated high-tension co-parenting with an ex or between a mom and stepmom. A few have, and that’s encouraging! Many stepmoms, though, get better at managing the stress even when it’s an up and down struggle.
I’ve found that My 1st holiday as a stepmom served as a precursor of what I could expect on future holidays, unless my partner and I figured out what to do differently in order to get different (better) results.
Making changes ~ working on getting different results ~ is commensurate on the level of conflict you’re experiencing. The more problem areas you have, the more potential for conflict there is, and the more dire need you have for real solutions (temporary and long-term). This has been my experience personally in a high-conflict stepfamily, as well as what I’ve learned as a coach working with numerous couples across a spectrum of low to high conflict.
There’s too many contributing factors to the problem-solution equation for me to list here. However, I can offer you my free mini e-book to give you a place to start learning about the risk factors (causes) of conflict in general. Here’s the link: https://tinyurl.com/5BlendedFamilyRisks.
For now, I offer you a few tips.
These can help you in every area, whether you’re a step parent, parent, or an ex now needing to navigate a tense co-parenting arrangement with a new stepparent to your children. Note: You can use these for all “family occasions”.
#1: Choose Your Battles.
This is for your own sanity rather than what’s right or corrosive. No matter how you slice it, there is no way I would’ve gotten anything I wanted on that particular Halloween night. I wouldn’t have even have gained traction, because she was not her rational minded self. She’s not the happy drunk type if you know what I mean. If I had tried, the likely result would’ve been a spiral downward.
What about my Significant Other you ask? Good question. He was too emotionally vested in things going a certain way (and more to the point, not going horribly). Plus, back then, I didn’t have the level of awareness on the deeper issues that I do now. I hadn’t yet learned how to navigate sensitive subjects.
Bottom Line: Sometimes, it really is best to keep your mouth shut and stay in the background.
#2: Don’t take anything personal.
I know we all get tired of hearing this. That’s because it’s SO DIFFICULT that WE NEED TO BE REMINDED. Because it feels personal! I assure you, though, it’s not. Even when (if) another person says something demeaning, condescending, or critical. Every word and action is based on their subjective filter. Simply put, it’s their opinion.
Bottom Line: Other people’s opinions are none of your business.
#3: Find other opportunities to bond with your stepkids. Examples:
- Make DIY Halloween decorations to display around the house.
- Buy decorations and ask for your stepkids’ input on where to put them.
- Postulate costumes for the dog. I recall seeing an Instagram post by @Buzzfeednifty mentioning 31 pet costumes that imploded the internet.
- Make festive cookies / treats with them.
- Open dialogue with them personally. (Inquire about their or their friends’ costume ideas, activities at school, memories of Halloween past, what they enjoy most about Halloween, their favorite candy, to name a few)
If you’re a veteran stepmom, you probably already know these things. My guess is that you figured it out the hard way or have settled in to your subjective experience that works for you.
If you have experience with the suggestions I made here, positive or negative, ~ Or if you have additional suggestions that I didn’t mention ~ I welcome you to share your story in the comments below! That can assist new stepmoms who may come across this post. These were just off the top of my head. I know there are a myriad of possibilities.
My Final Thought
Regardless of how the event transpires, know your worth. If the night goes well, you’ll get validation of that. But if it doesn’t, it’s not a reflection of you personally. Rather, it’s a reflection of their internal unresolved emotions with other people and circumstances before you came on the scene.
Many blessings,
Judy
P.S. If you’d like to learn red flags of potential conflict or tension, check out my free mini ebook, The 5 Biggest Risk Factors for Conflict in a Blended Family, or request a free consult with me via my Contact Me page.
Recent Comments