Today (Sept 16th) is National Stepfamily Day (NSD). For me, it carries a mixed bag of emotions. On the highest level, I honor it. I respect the magnanimous intention behind it, which is to uplift stepfamily members who face ongoing tough challenges. The shear existence of this day as a nationally recognized holiday serves as a reminder for step parents in particular that they’re not alone, and that the challenges are real and difficult.
Part and parcel of the celebration is to do something together as a stepfamily and then share it publicly. Many have even shared their photos personally with NSD’s founder, Christy Tusing-Borgeld. Thus, more positivity was infused into the narrative ~ a much-needed and welcomed response!
For that reason, I mostly feel good vibes when this day rolls around as I see the numerous “happy family” pics. A couple years, they were even trending!
As an aside: Christy wrote a song, Traveled Journey. In her words, it “captured the essence of the soul of life’s Journey. A heartfelt message that we all travel through this life and there will always be ups and downs. The choice is up to us which road to travel.” It feels like the perfect adjunct to what I’m sharing, and I personally love it. You can listen to it here.
HOWEVER…
{You knew that was coming, didn’t you? ;-)}
This day also brings up the unfortunate aspects of my own personal experience. See, my stepfamily experience ended. Although it was amicable, it was accompanied by immense heartbreak, confusion, and resentment. I’m not alone in this experience. In fact, I represent the majority of adult co-parents in a stepfamily.
Official Statistics: 60% of 2nd marriages and 74% of 3rd marriages end in re-divorce. The majority end within 5 years.
{Technically, I’m outside of those figures because we weren’t married, although living together. Again, this doesn’t make me unique either as cohabitation rates have been steadily rising for years.} But I DO fall within the 5-year mark, as we separated after 2.5 years of cohabitation and dated a full year prior.
So then, if separation is the majority, why aren’t there more in-depth discussions into the reasons behind it? I mean, IT IS part of the discussion, but only in terms of disheartenment and discouragement of the “failure”.
When the “causes of re-divorce” come up, the predominant narrative is “stepfamily dynamics”. What’s wrong with that you wonder? Well, stepfamily dynamics DO NOT cause re-divorce. Relationship issues DO!
I posted a few videos about this on my YouTube channel, if you’d like to learn more. Here’s the link to the playlist.
I agree that stepfamily dynamics is an important piece of the puzzle. But that’s where the discussion stays ~ in the throes of either resolving them or coping with the lack of resolution. I don’t mean to sound like I’m knocking this. I did, too. In fact, that was my main focus in my earlier websites and my coaching. Now however, I’m more the wiser from my experiences, and this is something I now KNOW with 100% certainty.
Stepfamily dynamics cause conflict. If/when the conflict is not resolved, and re-occur repeatedly, it causes hurt feelings and resentments. For many, those will linger and grow. Over time, it’ll break down the relationship. Depending on how the couple copes with them, this will either lead to re-divorce or what I call a “stable dysfunctional” relationship. That’s when one or both adults are not getting their needs met in the relationship or the relationship is emotionally unhealthy in some way; Yet the couple stays together (sometimes for a decade+).
Near and Dear to My Heart
I know all this first-hand, because this is my personal story. Again, I know I’m not alone. It’s also the story of my clients. And, I see it in my circles of friends and family. This was even reflected in Dr. Patricia Papernow’s words when I got the opportunity to talk with her personally. She said that her clinical work of counseling stepcouples brought up the most challenges of all her clients. She had to use all her professional tools and create new ones in order to help them turn it around.
Back to me and today. Even though I’m not currently a stepmom, my stepfamily experience is personally meaningful to me. It’s become a part of who I am today. All the heartache, confusion, and resentment I mentioned earlier propelled me to dig deep into my shadows so I can heal. It pushed me to new heights ~ a new version of myself that I didn’t know existed {or was even possible}. All that I learned as a result of it can not be unlearned, and I’m all the better and wiser for it ~ happier and in peace. (I’m not going to say my life is perfect. It’s not. I still have ups and downs like everyone. That’s also not the point of this post.)
Inwardly, I divide my life into the “before and after” my “stepfamily experience”. What I shared in the last paragraph about my level of growth is the reason for that. My life today is like night and day compared to how I felt while in it (and immediately after). And that’s completely different than how I operated in the world prior to the experience.
That leads me to a key reason why I don’t feel like a “failure” for its ending. I’ll talk more about that in a future post.
That’s why National Stepfamily Day holds a special place in my heart, and always will. Ironically, it just makes it challenging for me to “celebrate” it like everyone else who posts their pictures. I don’t feel a kinship with them, as we don’t have a shared experience. Yet, I simultaneously feel the desire to acknowledge this day as a representation of my story ~ and the multitude of people who, like me, have experienced it as a so-called “failure”. As well as the multitude of people who are on the brink of a re-divorce as I type this.
I still want to help them. It’s part of what I consider my mission. Hence, my reason for stressing the real cause of re-divorce (the relationship issues) instead of stepfamily dynamics as widely believed.
This includes myself in my earlier years as a Certified Stepfamily Coach. It’s one of the reasons I didn’t previously spend much time talking about my story, other than the stepfamily dynamics. I wrongly believed that the rest of my story was unusual. Now I know differently, so I’m going to be talking about this a lot more.
If you’re here because you’re also part of the majority of a so-called “failed” stepfamily, I’d love to hear your perspective about National Stepfamily Day. Does it feel bitter sweet to you? Do you find yourself feeling jealous of the happy pics? Those used to get to me. Where are you at with it, and how has it evolved since it happened? Drop a comment below to let me know.
Blessings,
Helping you go From Conflict to Connection to Partnership
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