Are you concerned about a loved-one, and need to tell them?
Most of the time, those conversations don’t turn out well. At best, they end with hurt feelings in one or both of you; And if you’re lucky, there was no shouting or exchanging barbs. At worst, it ends the relationship. No matter how well-intentioned you are, it’s likely that you’ll be telling them something they don’t wanna hear. Even if it’s something they’re aware of, it’s a sensitive subject. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be concerned. Thus, saying it requires delicate handling is an understatement.
We’ve all been there. Some of us, like me, have been on both sides of the coin. Enough times that I’ve learned a few techniques that make a world of difference, which I share below. Not only will you be able to keep your relationship intact, you have the opportunity to foster a deeper bond, thus leading to a tighter friendship. That’s why I call them game-changers!
These are 3 things to do beforehand in preparation for the talk. They’ll help you get into the right mental and emotional state so that you can navigate the discourse more effectively. By “effectively”, I mean move your agenda forward while keeping your relationship on even footing. In short, at the end of the conversation, you will feel good about having had it.
Tip #1: Before having “the talk”, figure out your desired outcome.
What would you like to happen?
Examples (thought-prompts):
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- Is there a specific action you want the person to take?
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- Are you wanting to help connect dots for them so they can understand their situation/circumstances from a new angle (i.e. give them more clarity)?
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- Do you want to share a resource or solution with them which they likely hadn’t considered? If so, do you want them to act on it?
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- Or do you simply want them to know you care and are concerned? If so, are you offering support? If so, what kind?
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- If you’re not able to offer specific support, maybe that’s part of what’s bothering you and needs to be said out loud.
At some point in the talk, you’ll want to outright state your desired outcome. Be direct as possible. Otherwise, their mind will jump around and they’ll get confused. Heightened emotions cloud people’s perspective, and may cause them to assume the worst. You can avoid that simply by following this one tip alone, if you do nothing else.
Tip #2: Let go of all attachment to your desired outcome.
This may seem contradictory to the first tip, but I assure you it isn’t. Knowing what you want the outcome to be increases the likelihood you’ll get it ~ by a significant margin! In most cases, it actually makes it possible.
However, you cannot control whether the person will want to do what you’re suggesting. If you’re not asking them to do something, even better. In most cases, though, the initiator wants the other person to change something. Otherwise, you probably wouldn’t need to talk with them. (As in, it wouldn’t be a dying urge to talk with them if you didn’t want them to change something. Just sayin’.)
Once you’ve laid it out, though, you have to let it go. The person needs time to process what you’ve told them, whether it’s to do research, connect the dots (new information to their current knowledge-base), or process their emotions. Each of those things take time, and everybody has their unique way of doing it.
Plus, in some cases (depending on how sensitive the topic) you may trigger deep psychological wounding. If they get hyper-emotional, especially in a way that seems irrational, then it’s likely. In this case, hold compassion for them instead of getting offended by anything they say. Check out the resources at Integrate Trauma (linked here) for further education and direction.
Tip #3: Set your Intention for how you’d like to show up.
In my viewpoint, intention setting is about what I personally can control or directly influence, such as my emotional tone and mindset. This is THE BIGGEST CONTRIBUTING FACTOR to how the conversation will turn out. As I’ve often said, “If your heart isn’t in the right place, how can your words and actions be?”
Everything you say and do naturally flows from your emotional resonance. If your fears or trauma are triggered, that’ll come out in your conversation. If you have a vested interest (financial, logistical, business, or otherwise) in what your loved-one does after your talk, even if subconscious, it’ll color your words to that end. If, on the other hand, your underlying desire is purely in the other person’s best & highest interest, your words will naturally be heart-based. Then even if your loved-one’s reaction is not what you want, you’ll be able to redirect the conversation to at least end on a positive note.
Ask yourself what emotion and mindset do you need to hold in order for you to not get triggered and to maintain an emotional equilibrium?
To put it another way, When it comes to having the conversation, what would a personal win look like for you? For me in these kinds of situations, usually it’s to not get triggered. [I’m just being honest]. Secondarily, I desire to maintain our relationship. I know me; I know that I’ll never want to sever a connection, as that’s always painful.
But with that said, I won’t compromise my values in order to keep someone. I won’t allow somebody to drain my energy. I’ve learned the difference between taking on responsibility for others’ well-being vs “helping them”. It’s a fine line at times, and occasionally I falter. However, I’m quicker to spot it now and course-correct. Therefore, with all these lessons in my awareness, a personal win for me is being transparent about my true feelings and being compassionate for what they’re going through, all the while trying to empower them (if possible) and keeping our relationship intact. I’m not suggesting this is easy. It’s something I’ve worked hard at for years to be able to do in most cases.
Your personal win should be something that you feel you’re able to accomplish. Maybe it’s a way of interacting that you’re still working on. That’s ok, even if you haven’t mastered it yet. Push yourself out of your comfort zone in the spirit of personal growth and development, and for the intention of strengthening your bond with loved ones.
Remember, no tactic is foolproof. So it’s best if you can maintain neutrality (i.e. not get triggered). The more neutral you are, the more present you’ll be with your own thoughts and emotions. That makes it easier to be more selective with your wording in real time. If you pick up questionable vibes, you may suddenly decide to pivot away from saying something you planned to say. It may be your own nervousness rather than genuine vibes from the other person; Even so, if it doesn’t feel right, it’s warranted to honor that.
One final thought, just in case it goes south and emotions are ramped up. If you’re not able to get back on a smooth track, yet alone a positive note, you may need to bow out gracefully. This is a statement you can prepare in advance ~ an all-occasion tactful way of saying, ‘This obviously isn’t a good time. Let’s table it for later.’ Choose wording that feels authentic to you.
Most importantly, don’t apologize “for bringing it up”. The reason being that it would be disingenuous, as truthfully you’re only sorry they didn’t react better (differently) or that the conversation didn’t end better. If you say you’re sorry for bringing it up, and they don’t believe you, it hurts your chances for open discussions in the future. That person will continue to have their guard up with you, and actively avoid talking about this subject. Plus, if you’re truly sorry for bringing it up, then you truly won’t want to talk about it again (at all). Because an apology is, per my definition, an implied intention to not repeat the offense (whatever you’re apologizing for doing).
I hope this article is helpful to you. You may want to bookmark it and come back for reminders and to pick up on anything you might’ve missed, as there’s a lot here. I encourage you to spend time working on them in your down time. Then when the time draws near to engage in a tough conversation with that special someone, prep for it will come easier to you.
On a side note, this is something I help clients with in my 4-step Relationship Healing process. If after reading through this, you feel lost or overwhelmed about how to start, reach out to me via my Contact Me page (linked here).
If you use these tips, please comment below on how it worked for you. Please comment even if it didn’t produce a positive result. I can help you dissect what went wrong, and the thread could help future readers of my blog.
Until next,
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